Exiting High Control Environments
A reflective guide to support your thinking around safety & planning.
The following tool was inspired by The RC’s Spiritual Power Inventory and created by Alexia Christopher, Alex May, Annais Rojas, Marlon Brown, and Megan Purdie for exclusive use by the Reclamation Collective.
Exiting a High Control Group
The information that follows is to help you think through an exit strategy from a group or religious/spiritual community. If you are in immediate danger, contact the local emergency services you can trust. This resource is intended as a reflective guide to support your thinking around safety and next steps for leaving. It is not a crisis intervention tool or emergency service.
Leaving a high-control community can feel complex and overwhelming. People often move through this process in steps - gathering information, considering options, and prioritizing safety, privacy, and support along the way. There is no one right way or timeline. It’s common to experience fear, doubt, or guilt during this process. Many people have navigated leaving and gone on to build lives of liberation and rich connection. You are not alone in this.
Exit Planning
Before you leave your community, consider which of the following essential resources you may need to plan for:
An outside trusted contact person to help you plan and leave
Safe, secure shelter for eating, sleeping, and socializing (a “landing place”)
Transportation to your landing place
A source of food, water, and necessary medication
The ability to seek, gain, or maintain employment
Psychological and emotional support
Don't get too caught up in finding the "perfect" version of these resources. Safely leaving is an important first step. Only then can you make a clear decision about what comes next. Remember, one step at a time.
Can you think of someone outside of the group that you trust? It’s alright if you haven’t talked to them in a while. Maybe an old friend or an extended family member? (If you don’t have their number, try reaching out on social media to reconnect and ask for their number.) Or what about a neighbor, landlord, or employer/coworkers?
If you do not have someone to contact, you are not alone. You can reach out to a local mental health hotline for resources and support.
Trusted Contact Person
Do you have a friend, coworker, or family member you can stay with for a bit? If you have stable employment or savings, can you afford a hotel room or short-term rental? Are there shelters in your area where you can stay while you plan your next steps? It’s important to have backup options.
Landing Place
Before leaving, you may want to consider taking anything important with you. If you fear these items will be taken from you when you are leaving, store them somewhere you can retrieve them later. You can hide them in a discreet spot to retrieve them as soon as you’re safely able. Alternatively, you can give them to a trusted person who knows your exit plan. If you can, take photos of these documents and email them to yourself or your trusted contact to ensure you have copies.
Passport, Driver’s License, State ID, and Student ID
Keys for your home and your car, or your public transportation pass
Debit or credit cards, checks, any cash, and public benefits forms
Medications, prescription list, glasses, and health insurance documents.
Bag of perishable foods that you can travel with (especially if you or a loved one has diabetes or needs insulin to maintain healthy blood levels)
Clothes
If you have children: clothes, formula or snacks, diapers, and baby wipes.
If you or your children are enrolled in school, ensure you have the proper education forms. Inform the school of any person who may call looking for you or your children.
If you have pets: their food, medication, and bowls. Or, store them somewhere you can retrieve them later.
Photographs
Evidence of any abuse or harm you encountered
Packing Checklist
If you or your phone are being monitored, agree on a code word(s) with your trusted contact to talk about your situation and exit planning. If it feels safer to communicate by text, delete the chat to make sure no one can see your messages. When making any calls to your trusted contact, you can also delete the calls from your phone’s call log.
Explain the situation to your trusted contact. Here’s a potential script:
“There’s something serious I want to tell you. And I want to ask for your help. I have decided to leave [the group or religious community]. It is a [highly controlling environment or other harmful descriptions you resonate with], and leaving is actually dangerous [or “high stakes”]. I will need to figure out shelter, food, employment, etc. Would you help me talk through an exit plan? There aren’t many people I can talk to about this, but you are someone I really trust and respect”
Communication
How do you plan to arrive at your landing place? Here are some options to consider:
Your car, Uber/Lyft/taxi, public transit, or your trusted contact could pick you up.
If you do not have a vehicle, plan a pickup location that feels safe - perhaps a neutral public place with lots of people around, like a grocery store.
If you have a vehicle, make sure that your gas or electric tank is at least half full.
Try to plan a backup transportation method.
Transportation
While communicating with your trusted contact, hotlines, assistance organizations, or local authorities, it may be important to consider the following precautions:
Clear browser history
Delete messages and call logs
Turn off location sharing on all devices (smartphones, laptops, tablets, GPS vehicle trackers, or Bluetooth trackers such as Smart Tags and Tile Trackers)
Use a private or incognito browser
Be cautious with shared phone plans, shared laptops or tablets, or shared apps
Change passwords on all your devices and platforms, including: your bank, Venmo/Cash app, email, Google Drive, iCloud, social media, school platforms, and medical platforms/apps.
Digital Considerations
Psychological & Emotional Support
This is just as important as planning for your physical needs. As you think through your next steps, you may want to consider what kinds of support feel safe and accessible to you. This might include:
Reaching out to someone you trust outside of your spiritual or religious community to talk about what you’re going through
Connecting with peer support spaces or individuals who share similar experiences. Many people find this extremely helpful and validating.
Engaging in practices that help you feel grounded or regulated (such as journaling, rest, or activities that bring you peace).
Practicing calming and regulating strategies
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